It sure is a pain being a widow. All the "experts" say that things get better, but I'm really not seeing that aspect of what I'm going through. Grieving is hard work. I came to the realization over the weekend that I may have to retire from playing pool for a while. It just isn't fun anymore; it's become nothing more than irritating to me. It's like I've never played the game before, and considering the fact that I've been in the league for more than 28 years now, I cannot stand the current state of my game. Because hindsight is always 20/20, I can see now that I never should have joined up with a new team last January. I obviously need to take a break away from the game. I don't know how my teammates will feel about this, but I have to look out after myself first, and due to the frustrating nature of my game, I can't afford the stress level any longer. All this angst over a damn game; how fucking trivial is that?
I know a lot that is going on is due to the time of the year—the holiday season is approaching, and it's the first time in 31 years that I'm by myself—no Dennis. Sure, I've got friends that I will spend the holidays with, but it just isn't going to be the same this time around. Marquita and Kim have been after me to come for a visit with them up in Napa Valley, and I'm going to do so, heading up the day after Thanksgiving and spending the three-day weekend with them. I'll be at Jim and Greg's for Thanksgiving Day, as that has been our tradition for the past 7-8 years. It's going to be difficult, not just for me, but also for one of the other guys. Benji's partner Bernie also passed away earlier this year, so he'll be by himself as well. I'm sure we will be there for each other.
I just need to get through this month in one piece with at least some of my sanity left. I'll deal with December when it hits.
Its OK to take a break from pool. I know it has been frustrating you. You know it would only be temporary. You have many others interests and talents you could do for a while. Write a cookbook! Take a trip! Become a member of a museum! Write a column for one of the free newspapers or on-line mags. Taste all the free samples at a farmers market! I'm not patronizing you, but you live in a theme park with an abundance of rides and sideshows! Maybe your anger and frustration with your pool performance is a manifestation of anger and frustration over something else. I think the world of you and don't want you to stay angry or frustrated for long. I want you to continue to move forward. I know it is easier to dispense advice than to take it, as I have not walked in your shoes. You have every right to tell me to fuck off. You have every right to laugh at what I am writing. I will always be your friend.
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