Adrift in a sea of doubt

Continuing on this fucking journey called my life, the tide keeps taking me farther away from what used to be a rather fun time. I can't say that any longer. My life raft is drifting and I'm contemplating puncturing a hole in it; let's see if these life preservers really work. Last night was the end of the regular season in my pool league and I've come to the realization that pool no longer appeals to me like it once did. It used to be fun to play but without Dennis around, it just seems like it's nothing more than an irritant. Having been in the league for the past twenty-eight and one-half years, I've been in the upper echelon of shooters for a long time. But these last two seasons combined, I have a losing record. I've never gone two seasons in a row (other than when I first joined and had to figure out what the league was all about) without being in the top 20 shooters. I can't even crack the top 100 any longer. My frustration level is at an all time high and I'm seriously thinking of giving it up entirely. When you've done something for a long time, and you've done it well, playing at a sub-par level just doesn't cut it.

What is the answer? I can't even figure out the fucking question, let alone come up with an answer. I've come to realize that the individual and group therapy I went through earlier in the year really was no help whatsoever. There's not much point to anything any longer. This is probably one of the most negative articles I've written since I started this blog, but you have to start somewhere. This blog is supposed to be my therapy, and at times it has kept my negativity from getting too far along. I'm tired of drifting. I want my life back and I can't have it. I'm really feeling helpless without him.

There's an old saying that goes something like this: be careful what you ask for, you may get it. For the entire 30+ years we were together, I always felt that it would be better for both of us if he died first because he'd be lost without me. And now I find out that just the opposite is true. I'm lost without him. Irony, meet your latest victim.