Kicking furiously, I claw my way to the surface and burst through the water, gulping the sweet tasting air as only someone who is coming from the abyss can realize.
The above sentence pretty much describes my current feelings. The trip from which I've recently returned—facetiously called "Rick's family grief tour"—has brought about profound changes in my entire being. This past Tuesday night is a perfect example. It was sign-up night for the fall season in my pool league. The captain of the team signs everyone up by submitting his roster, so I didn't have to go down for it, knowing I'd be accounted for by Bob. I just wanted to attend so that I could visit with many friends who would be there. I wasn't disappointed, as I circulated and visited with a couple dozen people as I sipped my way through my one beer for the night. Numerous people commented that "I look great" or "you really look happy." It's been at least two years since "happy" has been part of my vocabulary. But I can see how they arrived at those comments—I really do feel "better" since I got back. Grieving with both my family and Dennis's family has given me the extra strength that has been lacking these last seven months since he died.
Using pool as a pertinent example, I feel like I managed to get through the spring season, whereas now, I'm actually looking forward to the upcoming season. No more "just get through it"—I'm excited—and that's a whole new ballgame. I played in a single-elimination 9-ball tournament yesterday and managed to play my way to third place, only losing to the man who won the tournament. I came back from a 4/2 deficit to grab third place with a 5/4 win. In the recent past, I'd be lucky if I even won a match. I'm beginning to enjoy life again. I also realize that there will still be many days in my future in which I'll be a basket case, but I'll approach those days knowing they're coming and deal with them as they arise. I now know I will get through them. One day in particular is fast approaching—what would have been our 31st anniversary on September 1st. I'm going to take a personal day and not go to work that day, a friend told me the other day that he'd be more than happy to come over and spend some time with me that day, and I've decided that I want to go to dinner at La Mediterranee, our favorite restaurant, with my good friends Tom, Donna & Nancy and their son Joshua. If Dennis and I were going to celebrate, that is what we most likely would have done, so with a little help from my friends, I will survive the day.
The next five months do hold some pitfalls, but I'll just imagine a trampoline at the bottom of each pit and jump right back up and get on with my life. I know he'd want me to be happy, but sometimes it takes "happy" awhile to arrive.
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