Rambling ravings

I feel another rambling mess coming. Emotionally, I've been all over the place lately—up, down and all around. Some of it is obviously left over from June 24th, the six month anniversary of the death of my darling Dennis. I leave this Saturday for Michigan, and do so with trepidation, but also with anticipation. I really am looking forward to seeing all the Healys; I've also decided that I will make the 500 mile round trip up to Traverse City to see my family as well, though I'll only be there for less than 48 hours. I will be able to see my entire family for the first time since about 2008, all on the same trip. The last few times we went back, we were not able to see everyone, so I'm hopeful that by seeing everyone, it will help me in the grieving process by getting the family component behind me. I've grieved for the past six months, but only with friends, though in reality, many of my friends are extended family, but it's not exactly the same as blood-related family. Knowing how emotional this trip is going to be, and believe me, I know there are many tears coming in the next couple of weeks, I truly feel that this trip will allow me to move forward, as I've been stuck with too much grieving by myself. I don't feel I can keep imposing on my friends everytime I have a breakdown—oh yes, the breakdowns are still occurring—a lot. This learning to live with only oneself as company is not easy after 30 years of having Dennis next to me. His presence—emotionally and physically—has been sustaining me all these years and I'm having a difficult time adjusting to life alone. I know I've said it before, but it's another 3-day holiday weekend and all it reminds me of is that I have an extra day off from work but I can't spend it with him like all the other times.

I know I'm getting used to life without him—and I sure don't like it—but the sadness component is still overwhelming. I still feel like my life is only going through the motions. I can't seem to find meaning to anything. This evolving half-person I've become is evolving even slower than Obama's evolving on same-sex marriage. But just saying "evolve already" just doesn't work. I have one more grief counseling session scheduled, right after I get back from my trip. We figured I'd have plenty to talk about, but to be perfectly honest, I still don't see where this "counseling" is helping. I find that writing in this blog is more helpful. Either way, I'm getting "stuff" out of me. The only difference is there's someone whose job it is to interpret what I'm saying. I just don't know.

I decided to play in a 9-ball tournament yesterday, something I normally don't do. I thought it might be fun just to do something different. Then I went and shot about as bad as I have ever shot in my life—so much for the "fun" factor. It just isn't as much fun if you're not shooting well. I don't mind losing that much, after all it is only a game, but I don't like playing lousy pool. That's more frustrating than anything. A few friends from the pool league were also there, and while chatting with Mark, he wanted to know if I was going to start dating or something along those lines. I just told him that I didn't have any immediate plans and in reality, didn't want to subject someone to the comparisons I would make. When you've already experienced the love of your life, dating just doesn't hold any interest—certainly not at this point in time, six months after he died. I did tell him that I might want to find a "fuck buddy" though, as physical needs can be filled without the emotional baggage a relationship would entail. But even that is far down the road.