Even though I'm starting to feel more like my "old self" (whatever that was), there's still an underlying feeling of loneliness that won't go away. It's somewhat indescribable; it's just this sense of loss that has yet to be filled. And chances are, it never will be filled. Yeah, I suppose I could eventually find another partner but it's still inconceivable that I could ever be as happy as we were as a couple for more than thirty years. So where do I go from here?
Life in general is fairly strange at the moment, mostly because I'm serving jury duty on a 5-month murder trial, and we've only been at it for 6 weeks. I can't plan anything, because I'm in court Monday through Thursday; then I work my regular job on Fridays (thank goodness I have a regular temp we use when I'm gone from the office, and he's been a big help in keeping my workload from getting out of hand). I've been working Saturday mornings (though I'm taking today off) which I have never done before, but I can't let the work get so far behind that I'll never get caught up. It's a little difficult to think about dating, for example, when my life is totally turned around from what it used to be. I need to talk to my supervisor at the office because once I'm released from jury duty, I'd like to take at least one full week's vacation time to decompress from the trial. With any luck, once that happens, maybe I can get my life back on an even keel for what I want instead of being forced to do something I really never expected to be doing. The trial is interesting and all that goes with it, but come one—five month's worth? I'm starting to know what the jurors from the OJ Simpson trial felt like—imprisoned.
I know I'm healing from the loss, but there's still that lonely feeling that creeps into my consciousness and just being around other people doesn't alleviate those feelings. I really do try to concentrate on the good times we had, but it's never easy. Then again, who ever said it would be, right?
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