Missing "the big guy"

I know it's a recurring theme in this blog, but what can I say? I have varying levels of "missing him" that go from the constant ache of him being physically gone, to the heartache of knowing I'll never see his physical presence again. The main thing I've learned so far during my grieving is that I will never "get over it" but will learn to live with it—which is taking longer to get used to than you can imagine. And it goes without saying (though I'm going to say it anyhow) that I don't just miss him physically, but mentally and spiritually as well. We were so good together for so long that it's difficult to fathom that 15 months have elapsed since he died. That amount of time is just a blip compared to the 30+ years we got to spend together. So I once again find myself thinking: what's next? How much longer is this depth of "missing" going to last? Until I die? Who knows? Certainly no one who can give me a definitive answer is leaping out of the woodwork to enlighten me. Onward.

I have taken a positive physical step—I have a fuck buddy. Just a "no strings attached" fuck buddy/friend with benefits situation that became available and I'm enjoying it...I'm pretty certain he's enjoying it too. LOL And neither one of us are looking to get into a relationship, so it works out for both of us. Enough said about that...or did I already get into TMI territory? Nawwwww, I didn't give you details—and I'm not going to.

I think this latest bout of missing him relates to the time of year—March Madness time and the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament has been as entertaining as it usually is, but it's still not as much fun watching without him being by my side. I'm enjoying it more this year than last though, so I guess progress is being made, albeit slowly. And of course if I mention to someone how much I miss him at this time of year, they almost always respond with "he's with you in spirit" and I know they mean well, but it's just not the same. Just more of the process going on...blah, blah, blah. I guess that's enough venting for the moment.