The big question

And that big question is: what the hell am I going to do with the rest of my life? I think about Dennis all the time; he never leaves my mind. I'm having so much trouble getting past the fact that he is no longer here that I just don't know what to do any longer. I know I am getting used to the fact that he's not here any more, but that fact doesn't make it any easier to try to figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I've registered on some gay-related dating sites, but come on. Is that really the way things are done nowadays? I really won't even consider dating anyone from the pool league I've been in for years because it would almost seem incestuous. I mean, I've known most of these people for 25+ years and all of them know me as "rickanddennis" or "dennisandrick" and I don't think I could get past that fact. They don't really know me as "Rick only" and I'm not sure how I should handle that fact. So what is the answer? I certainly don't have it at the moment and I don't know when it will ever show itself to me. I guess that's why it's the "big question" right now, huh?

Missing "the big guy"

I know it's a recurring theme in this blog, but what can I say? I have varying levels of "missing him" that go from the constant ache of him being physically gone, to the heartache of knowing I'll never see his physical presence again. The main thing I've learned so far during my grieving is that I will never "get over it" but will learn to live with it—which is taking longer to get used to than you can imagine. And it goes without saying (though I'm going to say it anyhow) that I don't just miss him physically, but mentally and spiritually as well. We were so good together for so long that it's difficult to fathom that 15 months have elapsed since he died. That amount of time is just a blip compared to the 30+ years we got to spend together. So I once again find myself thinking: what's next? How much longer is this depth of "missing" going to last? Until I die? Who knows? Certainly no one who can give me a definitive answer is leaping out of the woodwork to enlighten me. Onward.

I have taken a positive physical step—I have a fuck buddy. Just a "no strings attached" fuck buddy/friend with benefits situation that became available and I'm enjoying it...I'm pretty certain he's enjoying it too. LOL And neither one of us are looking to get into a relationship, so it works out for both of us. Enough said about that...or did I already get into TMI territory? Nawwwww, I didn't give you details—and I'm not going to.

I think this latest bout of missing him relates to the time of year—March Madness time and the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament has been as entertaining as it usually is, but it's still not as much fun watching without him being by my side. I'm enjoying it more this year than last though, so I guess progress is being made, albeit slowly. And of course if I mention to someone how much I miss him at this time of year, they almost always respond with "he's with you in spirit" and I know they mean well, but it's just not the same. Just more of the process going on...blah, blah, blah. I guess that's enough venting for the moment.

Purpose

The farther the distance gets between his death and the present, the more I seem to be confused about my future. I'm having trouble defining my purpose in life, now that my original purpose—living my life with Dennis—has gone by the wayside. I'm still floundering around. I may have mentioned briefly in another post that I'm currently a juror on a lengthy trial (that's about all I can say since I'm not supposed to talk about it, so my comment is very generic) and it's really interfering with my social life. Being in court four days a week, working on Friday (and putting in some Saturdays too), trying to reserve my Saturday time so I can play 9-ball, which leaves Sunday as the day to be social. But I'm busy with chores on Sunday. And it's also "March Madness" time, of which I am a huge fan, though admittedly, it's not as much fun watching without Dennis being by my side as the upsets occur. This is the second year in a row and it's not as depressing as last year, so I know I'm making progress. But I just can't figure out my purpose. I'm tired all the time lately as the trial is very draining. I've never really dated much in my life, so I don't know where that stands. One thing I do know: I am not ready nor am I looking for a new relationship. I do need companionship, whether that leads to or contains a sexual element is to be determined. I can't make any plans until the trial is over, and the end is nowhere in sight. This is a short entry but I needed to get these thoughts down; it generally stimulates me and makes me think.

Folding clothes through tears

I just finished folding some laundry and while doing so, unexpectedly got very teary-eyed. Dennis and I had many tee shirts that had identical designs because most of our tee shirts came from the pool league we've played in for many years. One tee shirt in particular shows the famous American Gothic painting (farmer holding pitchfork while dour-looking farm wife stares up at him) except the pitchfork has been replaced by a pool cue. Bernie King, who designed the tee shirt to coincide with the 50th West Coast Challenge pool tournament, always declared that Dennis and I had posed for the "photo" he used as his inspiration. That humorous comment has stuck around for years and while I was folding that tee shirt today, I thought of its origin and before you knew it, I had tears in my eyes. The tears caught me by surprise as I was under the impression that minor thoughts like that would no longer affect me in this manner. Guess I don't know as much as I thought I did, huh? It does prove to me that my grief is deeper than I realized and I shouldn't be surprised that something like this still happens, fourteen months or so after his death.

Living by myself after thirty plus years of having a daily companion is more difficult than I could have ever imagined. The good part of it, of course, is the fact that I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. But that still means I'm doing it by myself instead of with someone...namely Dennis. I'll admit I still struggle daily. I just miss him so much, it's not easy to put into words. I do realize I have come to a major turning point in my new life—how do I move on in a meaningful way? What little interaction I've had with other guys on the gay chat websites has led me to believe that my age is going to be a factor in whether or not I will ever meet someone that I may or may not have a relationship with, because there definitely seems to be an age-phobia out there. I guess I'll just throw it out to the universe and see what she has in store for me.

Turning the corner

Even though I'm starting to feel more like my "old self" (whatever that was), there's still an underlying feeling of loneliness that won't go away. It's somewhat indescribable; it's just this sense of loss that has yet to be filled. And chances are, it never will be filled. Yeah, I suppose I could eventually find another partner but it's still inconceivable that I could ever be as happy as we were as a couple for more than thirty years. So where do I go from here?

Life in general is fairly strange at the moment, mostly because I'm serving jury duty on a 5-month murder trial, and we've only been at it for 6 weeks. I can't plan anything, because I'm in court Monday through Thursday; then I work my regular job on Fridays (thank goodness I have a regular temp we use when I'm gone from the office, and he's been a big help in keeping my workload from getting out of hand). I've been working Saturday mornings (though I'm taking today off) which I have never done before, but I can't let the work get so far behind that I'll never get caught up. It's a little difficult to think about dating, for example, when my life is totally turned around from what it used to be. I need to talk to my supervisor at the office because once I'm released from jury duty, I'd like to take at least one full week's vacation time to decompress from the trial. With any luck, once that happens, maybe I can get my life back on an even keel for what I want instead of being forced to do something I really never expected to be doing. The trial is interesting and all that goes with it, but come one—five month's worth? I'm starting to know what the jurors from the OJ Simpson trial felt like—imprisoned.

I know I'm healing from the loss, but there's still that lonely feeling that creeps into my consciousness and just being around other people doesn't alleviate those feelings. I really do try to concentrate on the good times we had, but it's never easy. Then again, who ever said it would be, right?