Running on empty

It's a good thing I'm a rock and roll fan, because it seems my life is nothing but song lyrics. The latest is "Running on Empty" an old song by Jackson Browne. No matter how much time has passed, I still feel like my life is an empty shell. This bit about going through life without Dennis is nothing but a fucking drag. Yeah, I enjoy my friends as much as I always have, but just having friends is not enough. I swear I sigh at least twelve times an hour; if you extrapolate that out into days and/or weeks, I sigh over 1,300 times per week. I know that Venice, Italy has its Bridge of Sighs, but believe me, it has never sighed as much as I do. I feel like I’m the king of sighs—or in my case, maybe that should be the queen of sighs. My life has turned into one giant sigh, and there’s no end in sight.

Does this happen with everyone who has lost the love of their lives? I doubt if I will ever know that answer, but it sure does happen to me. I suppose one of the reasons I’m having so much trouble now is the fact that my Mom is not doing well at all. She’s had several strokes since she retired more than 20 years ago, she’s 86 now, and her health is declining. In particular, her short-term memory has just about disappeared altogether. I called her on Labor Day just to chat for a while, and she could not hold a conversation with me. My sister had warned me about it, but I didn’t realize how bad it was until I started talking with her. She had no trouble understanding anything that I was saying, but she could not relate anything at all about what is going on in her life at the moment. She was recently in the hospital, and they discovered her back pain was being caused by a herniated disc. In treating that condition, they found fluid in her lungs, so that was something else that had to be treated. Add to that her constant urinary tract dysfunction and you’ve got a person who is at the end of her rope. The last time Dennis and I visited her (in summer of 2008), all she talked about was how she couldn’t figure out why she was still here. All she wanted to do was go to bed and not wake up. Considering that was three years ago, it doesn’t surprise me that she appears to be readying herself to die. According to the daily email I get from my sister, Mom asked to speak with a priest yesterday. She’s refusing to eat, doesn’t want to take her medications, and generally is very depressed. Only time will tell, but I feel she’s getting ready to pass.

 
I’m not anywhere near being “over” Dennis passing away, and now this on top of it. No wonder my blood pressure has become so difficult to maintain at the levels my cardiologist wants. What was that old movie? Stop the World, I Want to Get Off...that sounds about right.