Same old song and dance

What do I mean by "same old song and dance?" Pretty much just like it sounds: I'm in a rut and can't seem to maneuver my way out of it. I'm extremely sad about the loss of him and it affects every part of my life. I keep trying to move forward but after 15 months I still find myself in neutral; the car doesn't seem to have a "D" for drive any longer—only "N" for neutral and "P" for park. Even "R" for reverse would be a welcome relief. The effect of his loss keeps growing instead of dissipating. Friday nights still hit me like a sledgehammer. I was crying again last night while thinking of him; the tears always start around the time he died—7:45pm. The memory of calling my sister that night still brings on the tears; her words were a great comfort to me and I'll always remember them.

I suppose one of the biggest reasons why I'm in a rut is because of serving my term of jury duty, which is now into its 14th week. My life is on hold as the effects of the trial pound away at my psyche. I'm at the trial Monday through Thursday, I work on Friday at my regular job and have even been working a few hours each weekend trying to stay as caught up as I can. I just don't seem to have time for myself anymore—it's either the trial or work. The judge told us Thursday that the end is now in sight, as the end of evidence presentation is scheduled to end this coming week. After that, it's jury instructions and closing arguments by both the defense and prosecution. I'm hopeful that the time frame that has been told to us will hold true. But in the meantime, I still feel as if I'm lost at sea with no land in sight, and the life preserver has sprung a leak.