2012: what will it bring?

It's now more than a year since Dennis passed away, and I'm curious as to what 2012 will bring forth to my world. I know I am not ready for a new relationship, but what about meeting new men? How about a new friend with benefits? I'm not really sure I'm ready. From a fantasy standpoint, the idea of having someone to fuck around with seems cool, but I don't know if I'm really ready for the reality of such a situation. When I was a young man, having many partners and having an active sex life was a given—it was the beginning of the current gay rights movement and it was also pre-AIDS, which allowed a lot of leeway for gay men exploring their newly found sexuality. At least I found that I had a lot of leeway. While the social scene at that time (the late 1970s) was predominantly the bars, there were also bathhouses to consider. I certainly made good use of them—and my little white ass was quite popular. I never figured it out for sure, but black men in particular loved to fuck my cute ass. And I certainly enjoyed those large black dicks. I know it's probably stereo-typing, but considering the number of black men I had sex with, I never did find one that had a small or average-sized dick. They were always on the larger end of the spectrum—not that there's anything wrong with that. Whenever I went to the baths, I always knew beforehand that I'd get fucked. All I had to do was get a room, leave the door slightly ajar, lie on the bed/cot face down with my ass in plain view, and before too long I would hear the door close and the action would start. I'm not sure I can be as free with my ass nowadays.

I think I mentioned this in my last article, but the one-year anniversary (which I considered symbolic) has turned out to be more than symbolic. I actually do feel somewhat different. Not sure I can put a handle on it yet, but the change in my being is definitely there. Now I just have to figure out what it means.

While no one can accurately predict the future, I am very hopeful that 2012 will be the start of my true healing from the loss of Dennis. 2011 was more like going through the motions of living as I tried to get used to the idea of living alone for the first time in over 30 years. What with 2012 starting, I'm hopeful that my life will no longer be "just going through the motions" but will start actually meaning something to me again. While I was never in a suicidal situation, last year I really didn't care one way or the other whether I lived or died. Even though the rest of my life will be lived without Dennis, I can now truly say that I know I'll make it. There's always going to be a sadness, but I can't dwell on that any longer. I must start remembering the good times and write about them because those are the memories that will sustain me until it's my time to join Dennis on the other side.