Facing my fears

As irrational as it sounds, one of my biggest fears is forgetting him. Not forgetting him completely, just forgetting things we did together. We were together for over 30 years, but our lives were so ordinary that I'm constantly afraid that I will not remember things we did as partners. The majority of our life together was just the process of what we humans call "living"—we get up in the morning, have breakfast, go to work, come home, have dinner together, watch some TV, then go to bed. Throw in some sexual activities and there you have it—just an ordinary, everyday life filled with the stuff that's the part of everyone else's life. With such an ordinary existence, why shouldn't I be afraid that I might forget? I've surrounded myself with photos of the two of us, I keep writing this blog, but there's still this gnawing feeling that I can't get rid of and I don't know why. How could I possibly forget him?

Some of it might be due to the emptiness that I still feel deep down inside. I don't feel "whole" and I don't know when or if I ever will again. Half of my being was torn from me a little over a year ago and I've only gotten a very small percentage of it back. How long will it take? Will I ever feel whole again? My life has such a catch-22 angle to it that much of the time I still don't know if I'm coming or going. I don't really want a new relationship (certainly not at this point in time) but at the same time, I still feel very lonely—especially when I'm home by myself—which is most of the time. But at the same time, I've been feeling pretty good lately. I've actually felt some happiness in my life lately, which has been absent for over a year now (really, you noticed?). My physical needs are starting to manifest again but I'm not sure how to go about satisfying those urges. Well, it's not that I don't know how, but rather do I really want to? How satisfying can a physical relationship be when there's no emotional attachment? That is the latest burning question in which I must find the answer. I do know how to take care of physical needs, but hands and dildos can only go so far...LOL.

Now that I'm coming out of a very long term relationship, I just don't know if a quick romp in the hay cuts it anymore. I suppose there's only one way to find out—jump in the choppy water and see if I sink or swim. Confession time: I did have an "encounter" last week, my first one with someone other than Dennis in a very long time. And while it was fun—and safe—I'm still not sure about the after effects. Yeah, I got my rocks off, but so what? Will it happen again? Probably. He was a nice guy, we got along pretty well, we held up our respective ends of the conversation over coffee. A new friend with benefits? Why not? I have to do something while trying to figure out the "new Rick," right?