Denial

One of the five stages of grief is denial. I have always maintained that I never went through that stage because I never denied that he was indeed going to die. That's what ALS does to people—it eventually kills them. That was always a reality with me. But it hit me today that I went through a subconscious denial because Dennis and I never discussed what I would do with my life after he was gone. I have felt so lost this past year and thinking out it, never discussing how my life would change after he was gone was in a way a denial that we was going to die. I don't have a good handle on it yet, but it's starting to make a little bit of sense. And of course, I will never have the chance to discuss it with him. I can't imagine myself with anyone else at this point, but I find myself feeling sexual again and I'm not sure how to scratch that particular itch. A dildo only goes so far, right? (That's a joke for those of you who don't know me. I'm known to have quite a good sense of humor.)

How can I reconcile this issue? The "dream experts" say it can be accomplished in your dreams, but I never remember any of my dreams; I've always wondered if I dream at all. I suppose I do but it's been many a years since I've remembered a dream that I've had. The thing that worries me most is the loneliness issue. My friends have helped me in many immeasurable ways but friends and friendship can only carry me so far. When I'm at home and I'm the only one around, that's the time when loneliness strikes like a viper. I will not consider a "roommate" and I don't see myself with anyone in the near future. At least I came to the realization about my lack of denial. I had never looked at it that way before so introspection is needed. I certainly can't deny that he's not here and he will not be coming back. I've never really denied that anyhow. I don't really need his approval to become a sexual being again but I'm also reluctant to really get involved in anything. Is that what the next year holds in store for me? Getting used to the idea that I can be a sexual being again (without him), is as difficult as it may be to do so. I'm a little out of practice. Having had a 30+ year sexual relationship with the same person has kind of spoiled me. We did have a wonderful sex life and he was a great lover. Boy has this article rambled on all of a sudden. That's what sex will do to you, right?

Tomorrow night will be 52 weeks ago that he died. Fifty-two Fridays. Day 365, one year, is Saturday. Christmas Eve. The holiday season has not been very festive for me. I've been trying as best I can. I did send out 25 cards and even did a holiday newsletter. So I'm trying, but it ain't easy. I'm heading to Palm Springs tomorrow night to spend the time with my friend Des. Donna and Joshua will also be at their place; we'll be joining them for breakfast Christmas Eve morning. Thank goodness I love Bette Davis, as it's going to be a bumpy ride this weekend.