Feeling blue

Yesterday represented 10 months since Dennis died. It was also the one-year anniversary when we got together with our friend Tom Wade as he celebrated being in San Francisco for 25 years. He took a photo of us at that time while we were waiting outside the restaurant for our friends Donna & Nancy and their son Joshua to join us. He uses the photo as identification when I call his cell phone; that picture pops up so he knows I'm call before he answers his phone.

No matter how much time has elapsed, I still feel depressed a lot of the time. The pain of his loss just refuses to let go. I just can't find a purpose to my life any longer. I'm still going through the motions, no matter how hard I try to get past this whole ordeal. I do not know what the next step is supposed to be. How long does this malaise last? While I may be getting used to the fact that he's not here any longer, looking into the future just reinforces how alone I am (no slight intended to all my friends; I'm sure you know what I mean). Having him by my side for over 30 years is still too fresh. I'm constantly turning to his chair to say something to him, but of course, he's not there.

I've got a couple of months in front of me that are going to be tough. Thanksgiving is on the horizon. I plan on going to Jim and Greg's like we've done for the past 7-8 years or so, but I'm dreading it at the same time because it's going to be painful. Not only will he be missing from the festivities, but our good friend Bernie King will also be missing. His partner, Benji, will most likely be there as well, and we'll probably cry on each other's shoulders. Before the food line starts, I plan on asking for a moment of silence for both Dennis and Bernie, as they have been an important part of this day for a long time. Jim always said as long as Bernie and Benji and Rick and Dennis were in attendance, that's all he needed to have a good Thanksgiving. Half those couples will be missing. I'm sure that Benji and I will not be the only ones who experience the loss that day. And of course, the Christmas holiday season will be here before you know it as well. As I've mentioned before, I'm planning on being in Palm Springs for a 4-day weekend at that time, because I really believe that I could not handle being at home—alone—during that time.

I'm still a mess and I don't mind admitting it.