I'm still here

The title of this particular post has two meanings: 1) even though I'm not writing as much as I used to, I am still here and trying to figure out the direction this blog should take, and 2) it also means I'm still around on this physical plane we call Earth.

It's the last day of a four-day "weekend" created by having Thanksgiving on a Thursday and not having to work on Friday and it's been a mixed bag of emotions. I had a very difficult Thanksgiving morning, as I decided to watch the DVD that Doug created for me of the Celebration of Life party that I held for Dennis after he died. That was probably a huge mistake on my part because as soon as the words "Dennis Healy" appeared on the screen, I burst into a lengthy unexpected crying spell—in fact, make that a wailing spell, as I more than cried—I wailed. I hadn't realized that I still have the capacity for that large of a cry. It's approaching two years now (he died Christmas Eve 2010) and I'm still suffering like it was yesterday. I know I sound like a broken record, but while I'm by myself at home I just get so depressed. I'm generally fine when I'm around people (like during the remainder of Thanksgiving, I was at Jim & Greg's and everything was cool). But then I get by myself, and I start going to pieces again.

Why can't I move forward? I suppose the biggest reason—and a lot of people don't realize this—is due to the fact that "Rick & Dennis" is all I've ever known. He was my only true relationship and I seem incapable of moving past that point. I've tried the dating sites (talk about a bunch of losers), I've tried meeting people while doing other things, but I've come to realize that I will never have another relationship that comes close to what Dennis and I had. And of course, "people" say "you shouldn't even try" and I find that I'm in complete agreement with them. With all the memories still very fresh in my mind from over 30 years with him, nothing else can compare. And knowing myself so well, I know if someone did come along that "knocked me off my feet" I'd still be comparing anything that happens to what happened between Dennis and I. That's why I keep saying I'm not ready for another relationship—because I'm not.

So what's next? Who the fuck knows? I sure don't. Until next time...