As I approach another birthday...

This coming Tuesday, May 1, will be my 61st birthday. I certainly enjoyed my first year of being in my 60s, mostly because I was not 59 any longer. My 59th year on this planet was filled with sadness and heartbreak as the love of my life passed away—the basis for this blog. I've written previously about my 60th birthday celebration in Palm Springs, but now that another full year has passed, I can step back a bit and look at the bigger picture of the previous twelve months.

Eight of the twelve months of 2011 came after my birthday and I can see the progress I've made getting used to the idea that Dennis is no longer here. As I've stated more than once, I will never "get over it" (how does one 'get over' a 30 year relationship) but I am learning to live with it—as difficult as that can be at times. I still don't know what the future holds—who of us does?—but I am approaching it with an open mind. Even though I live alone and at times I do feel lonely, I know that I'm never alone. There are many people who care about me and are there for me whenever I need them. That is a reassuring thought.

And looking into the future, I do not foresee another relationship like I had with Dennis. That seems to me to be as remote a possibility as anything I can think of; I just can't imagine having what we had—again. And if I can't have something like what I had, what's the point? After all, how many times can destiny creep into one person's life?

Frustrated

Frustrated seems to be my newest life sensation. I'm frustrated by the length of the trial in which I'm a juror—14 weeks and counting—will it never end? I'm frustrated with being alone but at the same time, I know I'm not ready to enter into another long term relationship. I'm frustrated with the flakes I keep running into while using on-line dating sites (or call them what they really are—hook up sites). Latest case in point: I arranged for a massage last night and the guy never showed up. And not "just didn't show up" but never called to give a reason. Safe to say he'll not get another chance. I'm still frustrated by my pool game as it continues to pretend it's a roller coaster instead of a pool game. I'm frustrated that I have to fix my own dinner all the time. It can be fun at times, but mostly I'm just tired of having to do everything in the kitchen by myself all the time. I'm frustrated because I just don't know where my life is going. Therapy taught me that I'll never get over the loss, but it didn't prepare me for the frustration for the length of time it would take to get used to the loss. Until this damn trial ends, I'm incapable of having a "normal" life as it creeps into all parts of my existence.

Okay, I guess that's enough bitching for the moment.

Same old song and dance

What do I mean by "same old song and dance?" Pretty much just like it sounds: I'm in a rut and can't seem to maneuver my way out of it. I'm extremely sad about the loss of him and it affects every part of my life. I keep trying to move forward but after 15 months I still find myself in neutral; the car doesn't seem to have a "D" for drive any longer—only "N" for neutral and "P" for park. Even "R" for reverse would be a welcome relief. The effect of his loss keeps growing instead of dissipating. Friday nights still hit me like a sledgehammer. I was crying again last night while thinking of him; the tears always start around the time he died—7:45pm. The memory of calling my sister that night still brings on the tears; her words were a great comfort to me and I'll always remember them.

I suppose one of the biggest reasons why I'm in a rut is because of serving my term of jury duty, which is now into its 14th week. My life is on hold as the effects of the trial pound away at my psyche. I'm at the trial Monday through Thursday, I work on Friday at my regular job and have even been working a few hours each weekend trying to stay as caught up as I can. I just don't seem to have time for myself anymore—it's either the trial or work. The judge told us Thursday that the end is now in sight, as the end of evidence presentation is scheduled to end this coming week. After that, it's jury instructions and closing arguments by both the defense and prosecution. I'm hopeful that the time frame that has been told to us will hold true. But in the meantime, I still feel as if I'm lost at sea with no land in sight, and the life preserver has sprung a leak.