I don't know if I've developed writer's block or what, but lately I just never know what to write about. Therefore, I'm going to ask anyone visiting this blog: leave me a comment on what I should write about in the future. What else do you want to know about Dennis and I? I'm just not sure what direction this blog should take now that I'm getting used to the idea that he will no longer be around the rest of my physical life. Of course, I don't like that fact but it is the reality of the situation. I do realize that this blog has helped me immensely because I've been able to write my way out of grief. Just getting my thoughts down "on paper" (so to speak) has been very beneficial.
Any and all suggestions will be appreciated.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
Feeling the changes
Today is one of the country's manufactured "Monday holidays"—in this case, President's Day. One year ago I made the first change in my life since Dennis's death: I rearranged and reorganized the kitchen to fit my needs. If you've been a regular reader of this blog, you know that Dennis was the "kitchen wizard" during our 30-year relationship. The kitchen was his domain—I just passed through on the way to the living room. It seems hard to believe that one year has passed since I made this somewhat minor change to my life, but that pesky calendar just doesn't lie, does it?
I've really been feeling "different" the past few weeks and I look on these feelings as a positive step towards my healing and getting used to the fact that the rest of my life is going to be lived without Dennis. Even though I still find it difficult to believe more than one year has elapsed since his death, it is a fact. My newest task in this life I'm forming for myself is how do I go about living it on my own. While I feel lonely a lot of the time, especially at home, I know I'm not ready to find a new man for another long term relationship. It just doesn't feel "right" yet. But as my sexual and physical needs have started emerging from their dormancy, I'm not sure what to do about those feelings. I don't know if I can go back to my free-wheeling days like when I was in my twenties and having many sexual partners was a given. Having been in a sexual relationship that really meant something, I'm having trouble reconciling this issue. Added to that is the fact that I've never really dated much at all in my entire life. Because my dating life has been so minimal, I can remember that I had three dates while in high school, I was engaged when I was 20 (trying to live up to other's expectations—a piece of advice: don't listen to others, listen to your inner self) but I called it off before a wedding was even in the planning stages (talk about pissed off relatives...that's a whole other story), and I can only recall one date while I was a gay man in my twenties. So there you have it: approximately five dates in my entire life.
I supposed it's somewhat easier to date in this technological age in which we live. I've facetiously signed up in a couple of gay men's "hook up" sites, and I do find them both very amusing. I've actually met up with two guys from one of the sites; coffee and talk mostly (I've reported on the one that led to an "encounter" in a previous post). I've never heard back from either one of them. I guess it doesn't necessarily mean that one of these days something more than one hook up will occur, leading to friendship, if not a "friends with benefits" situation. Who knows? This is all very new territory for me and I'm feeling my way along in the dark. And I suppose just the fact that I'm even thinking about dating or finding a "friend with benefits" means that my psyche is emerging from the depressed state it has been in. Even though Dennis and I never discussed what I'd do with the rest of my life once he was gone, I know deep down that he'd want me to be happy. I'm just not sure what's going to bring true happiness back into my life. Only time will tell.
I've really been feeling "different" the past few weeks and I look on these feelings as a positive step towards my healing and getting used to the fact that the rest of my life is going to be lived without Dennis. Even though I still find it difficult to believe more than one year has elapsed since his death, it is a fact. My newest task in this life I'm forming for myself is how do I go about living it on my own. While I feel lonely a lot of the time, especially at home, I know I'm not ready to find a new man for another long term relationship. It just doesn't feel "right" yet. But as my sexual and physical needs have started emerging from their dormancy, I'm not sure what to do about those feelings. I don't know if I can go back to my free-wheeling days like when I was in my twenties and having many sexual partners was a given. Having been in a sexual relationship that really meant something, I'm having trouble reconciling this issue. Added to that is the fact that I've never really dated much at all in my entire life. Because my dating life has been so minimal, I can remember that I had three dates while in high school, I was engaged when I was 20 (trying to live up to other's expectations—a piece of advice: don't listen to others, listen to your inner self) but I called it off before a wedding was even in the planning stages (talk about pissed off relatives...that's a whole other story), and I can only recall one date while I was a gay man in my twenties. So there you have it: approximately five dates in my entire life.
I supposed it's somewhat easier to date in this technological age in which we live. I've facetiously signed up in a couple of gay men's "hook up" sites, and I do find them both very amusing. I've actually met up with two guys from one of the sites; coffee and talk mostly (I've reported on the one that led to an "encounter" in a previous post). I've never heard back from either one of them. I guess it doesn't necessarily mean that one of these days something more than one hook up will occur, leading to friendship, if not a "friends with benefits" situation. Who knows? This is all very new territory for me and I'm feeling my way along in the dark. And I suppose just the fact that I'm even thinking about dating or finding a "friend with benefits" means that my psyche is emerging from the depressed state it has been in. Even though Dennis and I never discussed what I'd do with the rest of my life once he was gone, I know deep down that he'd want me to be happy. I'm just not sure what's going to bring true happiness back into my life. Only time will tell.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Empty spaces
I've noticed that my readership has dwindled, and I must admit that I have not been writing as much as I used to when I first started this blog. Its main use was therapeutic in nature, and if you've read this far, I'm sure you realize that was due to the death of my partner, Dennis. Now that more than one year has passed, and I'm beginning to feel more "like myself" (whatever that is) I find that I'm writing less. Though I really think it has to do with the fact that I am on jury duty for a trial expected to last five months. I'm in court Monday through Thursday, 9:30am to 4:30pm, and it's exhausting. I can't say anymore about the trial, except I guess I could say it is very interesting to see the US court system in all its glory.
Acknowledging that I'm not writing as much may be a good thing—it may entice me to start writing more again. I'm still lonely, as I miss the daily companionship of that "special person" and still don't know what do to about it. I did mention my "encounter" in a couple articles ago, but that hasn't been repeated (though no fault can be put at any one's feet, mine included), the opportunity just hasn't presented itself to me again. No strings attached fuck buddies can be a pleasant diversion, but that does not replace the love one experiences in a true relationship like Dennis and I had throughout the years. But at the same time, I am not looking for another partner either. I need balance in my life and it just hasn't been like that lately. I do blame the trial to an extent because I cannot plan to do anything more than a 3-day weekend and that has to be when there's a Monday holiday involved. My life is pretty much on hold for the near foreseeable future. So while the title of this article refers to the emptiness of the blog lately, it also can describe my life currently.
Acknowledging that I'm not writing as much may be a good thing—it may entice me to start writing more again. I'm still lonely, as I miss the daily companionship of that "special person" and still don't know what do to about it. I did mention my "encounter" in a couple articles ago, but that hasn't been repeated (though no fault can be put at any one's feet, mine included), the opportunity just hasn't presented itself to me again. No strings attached fuck buddies can be a pleasant diversion, but that does not replace the love one experiences in a true relationship like Dennis and I had throughout the years. But at the same time, I am not looking for another partner either. I need balance in my life and it just hasn't been like that lately. I do blame the trial to an extent because I cannot plan to do anything more than a 3-day weekend and that has to be when there's a Monday holiday involved. My life is pretty much on hold for the near foreseeable future. So while the title of this article refers to the emptiness of the blog lately, it also can describe my life currently.
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