I suppose you're wondering what "freshness" I'm talking about, huh? I mean it's been almost two and one-half years since he died, yet I can still picture him in his recliner the night he died. And it still seems like it was just yesterday. So I ask: "when does the freshness leave?" I'm beginning to think that it never will. My inner being is still extremely depressed. I guess that's normal but I don't know what "normal" is in this type of situation. I'd like more memories to surface about other times in our life besides the night he died, but it's taking forever to get beyond that point. I'm becoming more and more convinced that "getting over it" it not an option. It will be with me the rest of my physical life. I feel like I've been trying as hard as I can to move past his death, but it's taking a lot longer than I ever figured it would. And to think that throughout our 30+ years together, I had always thought that it would be better if he died first (assuming we didn't die at the same time) because he would have struggled with maintaining a lifestyle that included everyday things like paying bills, which was my job. He didn't have a clue of how I managed the household. But I'm finding that I'm struggling more with the fact that he isn't here than any other issue. I go about with daily activities, but it doesn't seem like I'm doing anything at all that is fulfilling. Just going through the motions.
I have come to a decision the past few days though. And I've decided I'm going to retire from the pool league that I've been a member for the past 30 years, encompassing 60 seasons. I've tried the past five seasons to go on, but the fun has left the building and I just don't enjoy it any longer. I figure it's time to take a break. I need to do something different with my life but I still don't know what that will be. Stay tuned; I'll try to keep writing in this blog, even though I have not been keeping up with it as diligently as I did when I started it.
