Falling into the deep end

Okay, I've totally lost it now. I'm actually going to admit this: I just watched a Justin Bieber video, "Beauty and a Beat" and the sad part is: I actually enjoyed it in a perverse sort of way. Let the ridicule begin! Also, this must be my shortest post yet.

Mystery man

A new man has appeared in my life. I'm still trying to figure him out though. He contacted me via one of the gay dating websites I'm registered with. We've traded over two dozen emails so far but have yet to meet up in person, which is very frustrating to me. I've always believed in the metaphysical nature of the universe, in which all things are related and there seems to be that same type of situation with Chris. Here's my theory as to why he's entered my life:

He was born in July 1980, six weeks before Dennis and I decided to become partners. When Chris turned 30 in July of 2010, Dennis and I celebrated our 30th anniversary on September 1st. If you're a regular reader of this blog, you know that I lost Dennis Christmas Eve 2010. It's been almost 2 years now since he died, and in that time the universe has been slowly evolving so that Chris could come into my life. He has stated that he really focuses on the person he's with and he's very sensitive. Did I also mention he's as cute as the proverbial button? Yup, sure is. His friends say he'd be the perfect boyfriend; I just wish he'd prove it! And not in another email.

I actually pissed him off and hurt his feelings this week, as I sent a rather harsh email about the fact that he is so reluctant to meet up and it's causing us to drift farther apart, when we should be coming together. Of course, I regretted sending the email almost as soon as I hit "send" but once you do that, you have to live with the consequences. His reply was that he thought it was a very harsh email. That's all he said, but the underlying feeling that came through was that I had hurt him deeply. I sent him a very apologetic email and luckily for me, he accepted my apology and we are now back on track. I still have not met him, nor spoken with him on the phone; just the emails. I'm trying to be patient, but it's difficult because I want to meet him, talk with him, see if there really is a connection. I playfully accused him of putting a spell on me because the last three times I've emailed him, I have gotten a raging hard-on each time while typing the email. That has to mean something, right? I can't believe that would happen unless there's a connection of some sort going on between us.

If you read this post, how about sending your thoughts to the universe that Chris and Rick need to meet. Thanks

The grief never leaves

I haven't written anything for one month. September 1 was our 32nd anniversary and the aftereffects of that occasion caught me by surprise. I was lethargic throughout the entire month. I did more crying in September than I have done in the past six months, and I'm wondering if this is some kind of "rebirth" of my grief. I already know that I will never get over his death; I learned that during the bit of therapy I did. Their mantra is "you learn to live with it." That's the part that's most difficult because I don't want to learn to live with it. I know I can't change it, but I'm stuck in this rut of being unable to really move on and try to find a new life with someone else. That still seems unfathomable to be. I've seen a few men over the past year, but I don't know if I can even call any of them "friends" as we're not in contact with each other—I guess that's your answer. I'm trying but my heart just isn't in it. I only try because I'm real lonely at home each night—just me and a room full of photos. And having friends in (who of course have to leave) just isn't the same as having him next to me. I still miss him so much that he still dominates conversations, as I'm always saying "our" or "we"—always still plural, just can't get to singular on a regular basis. I've caught myself many times and have corrected myself to singular, but now that I'm getting this down and out in the open, I can see that I have not really progressed all that much, and it's approaching two years this Christmas Eve, now only three months away.

And now a very old friend of mine, John Cochran from the Los Angeles Pool League, whom I have know since July 1985 suddenly passed away last week. I saw today that they are going to have a celebration of his life on December 2 so I will make sure to get down there. John was a unique character; both Dennis and I loved his big smile every time you walked into his presence. He will be missed but maybe he and Dennis can get together for a game of pool.