Disappearance

As quickly as he came into my life, apparently Daniel has now disappeared. A couple of weeks ago I received a text message from him. I had just settled into my recliner to watch the Giants baseball game and my phone gave the sound when a text message comes in. I noticed it was from him, and when I opened it, it read: "Hey Rick I have something to tell you." I immediately texted back: "Tell away." About a half hour later, still no response, so I texted again: "so are you going to tell me? Or do you want to phone me? I'm curious." I waited for over an hour and still nothing, so I texted one more time: "it's been about an hour and a half since you said you have something to tell me. What's up?" From that point forward, I have not heard a single word from him—no response to texts, no response to email, no response to voice mail. I had even asked for another massage because that usually gets his attention, but nothing. So the other day I texted the following: "Apparently what you had to tell me was that you're no longer available for massages. It's just too bad you didn't have the respect to tell me instead of just disappearing. I'm rather disappointed in you."

Considering the fact that we did have a business/client relationship, it seems rather strange that you'd treat a client that way. Not a very good business practice. I'm aware of the fact that we were never going to have a relationship (I never really wanted one with him—he's way too young) but it just seems very strange that it ended the way it did. While I am disappointed, I'm certainly not devastated. I was devastated when Dennis died; this is nothing compared to that. The main reason I'm disappointed is that I felt we were becoming friends and I guess I was wrong on that account. I certainly enjoyed my time with him, especially the sexual hijinks after the massages. I did things with him I've never done with anyone and I just don't understand why I've been treated this way. I'm moving on though. It will be interesting to see if he ever does try to contact me again. He's in for a big surprise should that happen—a surprise he may not like.

And now it does make me wonder why he came into my life. My spirit was buoyed when he was around, and that could be part of it. I did feel that Dennis sent him to me as a cosmic birthday present (he came around a couple weeks before my last birthday) because he didn't like seeing me depresssed all the time, but now I'm beginning to wonder. I guess I'll just have to remember the good times I had with him and leave it at that. That's not a bad way to leave it.

Up and down the road of life

It seems no matter how great I feel, nor how many strides I've taken since Dennis passed away, there's always that underlying feeling of that big hole in my heart, and it just doesn't get any smaller—let alone close. How long does it take for the healing process to really kick in and work? That's the big unanswered question. I really have been feeling real well lately, other than those times when missing him kicks in, grabs on and won't let go. It's worse than a pit bull getting a hold of you.

I am heading back to Michigan in a couple of weeks to spend time with his family. We're all excited about seeing each other. I managed to get through my visit with them last year, which wasn't easy because his sisters held their memorial for him and it was very heartfelt, though somewhat emotional for me in particular. This will now be the second time I've visited them by myself. It still seems very strange to be going and I won't be accompanied by Dennis. It reminds me of the poem I read at the memorial, which states (paraphrasing now) that "death is nothing at all" and "I am in the next room, very near" yet so far away because it's a totally different dimension where he is compared to where I am. At times I get so tired of missing him that I fantasize about my own passing, just so I can be with him again. How pathetic is that?